In prison, you can be anyone or anything you want to be. It’s like going back to the dark ages before social media when you had to take someone at their word about who they are and what they do, because it’s not like you can just Google someone here. People are quick to take advantage of this and will spend countless hours in peoples ear pumping them up for causes they have no knowledge about. Before I came to prison, one of my dearest friends, who had been through the federal system, warned me emphatically to stay away from the jailhouse lawyers. I even had to pinky swear to not let people get in my ear about anything. It seemed a little excessive, but apparently he felt like it was a big deal. Honestly my eyes just glazed over and I stopped listening, but the topic was sure to be brought up again. Once I got here, it didn’t take long to figure out why this was so important, and it’s easy to see that it goes far beyond legal matters and extends to pretty much anything that can pull on your heart strings. If you have a loved

For most of my life I have battled anxiety. I can remember times it felt like a debilitating curse that would swallow me whole for no good reason. During a panic attack, I would be convinced that each breath was my last, like there wasn’t enough air in the room. It was as if I were trapped in a coffin and buried alive… I have so many dreaded memories of wanting to jump out of my own skin and run away from myself because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I remember having a conversation on the prison phone about a loved one struggling with anxiety. I got to thinking about myself and my own issues and then it hit me. What I was conjuring up was memories of feelings from the past, I realized my anxiety was no longer on the center stage in my life. I came to prison and through my obsession with self help and psychology books that I had learned to recognize and cope with my own anxiety. This new awareness sent me on a mission to figure out how this had come about. Was it the routine or the institutional boundaries keeping my anxiety

My whole life I have had all kinds of pets. Dogs, cats, ferrets, fish, hamsters, guinea pigs, birds, an iguana, a cow, a miniature donkey, and horses. I love animals and prison didn’t change my desire to be near animals, so I got creative. Let me give a little history just to illustrate my obsession with animals. For about twelve years of my life the only place I would even consider as home was on my horse’s back. I would spend my entire day during the summer and every day after school grooming, riding, and telling them all my thoughts and dreams. They were my giant therapists that didn’t disagree or recommend change, they were perfect. Then along came my Norburt. He was a large black mastiff, and he was a terrorist. I adopted him as “Darth Vader” and he came with a warning that he did not do well with small animals. I renamed him and believed we could work through his issues. He killed everything and he did it right in front of me, leaving me to get rid of the little bodies because I did not want him to get in trouble. He was a handful, but

Looking back over my life, I realize I was prone to despair for no good reason. Before coming to prison, I remember dreading Sundays. The rush of the week was over and the normal day to day occurrences that would distract me every other day of the week were not there, and life was quiet. Sunday is when you start to realize how much work you must do on the inside and that mental inventory you should have been noticing and taking care of becomes extremely present and overwhelming. I believe how content you are on a Sunday is a pretty good indicator of how content you are with yourself and your life. Coming to prison can be like one big Sunday if you let it be. However, it can also be the place you truly discover your inner freedom and find the contentment you have been searching for, whether you knew it or not. If you have a loved one incarcerated, I encourage you to share these ideas with them. Here are 7 ways I prison taught me how to be content 1. Sit with yourself and do not look away. Learn to like the sound of your own

I will never forget when my brother blessed me with the suggestion of writing while I was in prison. It was one of those moments I find myself looking back on and being in complete shock of what that suggestion blossomed into. I began writing with a completely broken heart. My fleeting thoughts and emotions were all over the place and I did not know how I was ever going to pull this writing thing off. I didn’t know where or how to really begin. All I knew was I wanted it. As soon as he said it, something clicked and I knew it had to happen, and just like anything in my life that I cherish, I knew I was going to have to battle for it. I read somewhere that if you want to become a writer you should start off with a goal of writing 250 words a day. I have no idea where I read that, but I ran with it. As I scheduled time to write every day it did not take long for me to notice some distinct changes starting to take effect in me. My emotions seemed to be more under control, and I was able to

After I was indicted, I spent three years on pretrial walking among the free but knowing my fate was coming soon. I was blessed with a good friend that turned into my life coach. This friend had been through the federal system many years before and had made it through and done rather well in life. I decided this was the one I would seek advice from, and I needed a lot of it. I had never been in trouble and here I was headed to the feds. I was terrified of the unknown and I could always count on my friend to talk me off the ledge and bring some order to the crazy train my brain kept trying to jump on. While coaxing me off the ledge he would often offer advice of things that had never occurred to me. One of the biggest points he drove home was once you go into incarceration you have no rights. He made it clear that no matter how hard I stomped my feet or how loud I yelled, it would never matter, because just like the feds, the prison system held all the cards and I would be at their

As I sit here in federal prison, I cannot help but look back over the years at pivotal moments that changed the trajectory of my life. I love the people in my life, I have completely fallen in love with my journey, and I’m proud of how far I have come. I may be an inmate but I am happy with the person that I have become. However, there are things I wish I could go back and say to myself along the way. The law school version of myself is the person I wish I could reach out to the most. Here is a quick back story and four topics of advice I would like to share with that version of myself. I spent the first years of my life wanting to be a lawyer. I remember being a really small child and I just knew that is what I wanted to do. Why? Well that is easy, my dad is my hero and he is a lawyer. I would take his huge law books and drag them around even before I could read. When other kids wanted to play games, I wanted to play court. When I ran

After just passing my seventh year anniversary of being clean and sober, I thought it was important to spend this week really looking back over my life and my battle with drugs to search for tools that help me successfully stay clean. After thinking back over my life, I started to write about all the things I feel are the most important to bring awareness to. It is kind of like I am trying to write a user manual for myself and the things I find important to help me stay away from drugs or any kind of addiction. If they help me, I figured they might just help someone else. Here is my story and the 3 things I find most important to bring awareness to and keep an eye on. Drugs were a huge part of many years of my life, but I kept it very secret. Drug use simply was not accepted in my family and in my mind, it was not acceptable either. During my double life I accomplished quite a bit. I thrived in high school traveling around showing horses on the weekend and successfully lettering in academics and being involved with sports, clubs, and

HOW PRISON AND COVID 19 HELPED ME FIND MY RESILIENCE AND STRENGTH IN THE MIDST OF THE COVID PANDEMIC Inmates don’t have access to the internet for ideas or to view influencers that might provide helpful tips. Whatever equipment a federal prison has is all they are ever going to get when it comes to weights and any kind of training. This is all thanks to congressman Dick Zimmer and the act from 1995 that banned weightlifting equipment among many other things, super old equipment is grandfathered in but will never be replaced. I remember when I first got here and felt horribly disappointed to walk into this huge gym with hardly anything in it and then to walk outside to see the very uneven, rough quarter mile track to work with. I turned that disappointment into inspiration and drive. It sure was better than the federal holding I had been at for a year and I was going to be grateful and make the best of it by searching for opportunities. To me, having less has been a hidden blessing because it has forced me to get creative and focus on exercises that depend only on my body. One of