When you pray for rain you have to prepare to deal with the mud that comes along with it, and when you are sowing seeds you better pay attention to what you are planting. It’s important to look at the big picture and contemplate the effects of everything you do and say.· Coming to prison and living like a sardine stacked on top of everyone else, I have learned to live intentionally. My actions and words are about more than just me. Prison has been my training ground for a better life upon my release. As I plant my seeds every day, I pay attention to my world and my future that I am creating. We all have the power to create a beautiful future and we can have the power to stay on a positive trajectory. Whether you know it or not, you are planting seeds everywhere you go. The way you move, the conversations you have with others, how you treat them, and how you respond, are seeds. Like any seed you plant, it does not sprout and fully grow overnight, it takes some time to become something. You do some good things and plant beautiful seeds, but

Coming to prison gave me the opportunity to study myself and others and witness the power of the excuse maker our brain can truly be. I became obsessive about my own personal growth and habits and paying attention to the habits that make a person successful. Have you ever stopped and wondered why so many of us want to wait to do something good? To make changes to better ourselves and do good things that improve our lives, why do we put it off? With the notion of a plan for improvement, many people will hit the brakes and insist on putting it off to a later date along with a pile of pathetic excuses. Diets, exercise programs, and big goals seem to repel humans from jumping on board right away. They must think about it, they must get ready, or they must cook up a good excuse not to start or follow through. Things that are unhealthy happen in a flash. It is like we slip and fall right into so many bad habits with complete ease. Like a smoker that has not smoked in years, picking up a cigarette even once can be a real slippery slope that

Here’s to God and Tamiko Grandison, I cannot thank you enough for the front row seat to watch this amazing miracle unfold. You are always the believer, and I was the doubter, but when God shows up it’s impossible to doubt anymore. To tell this story I must back up a bit… I turned myself into the marshals and began my time on my prison sentence in 2017. During my year in federal holding awaiting sentencing, I found God, got saved, and worked hard praying through my past and working through trauma that only God could help me through. I was blessed to have a cool chaplain that worked at CCA. I shared a lot of my story with him, and he would bring books, kind words, and a lot of prayers to help me through each issue I was working through: Every time I summoned him for prayer, he would come. I love food and when you are incarcerated in a high security facility your meals are sometimes the only thing you must look forward to. It did not take long into my journey as a Christian that I felt led to fast and I was shocked how powerful

Federal pretrial is tough to describe if you have never been through it. When someone is federally indicted, the indictment itself is unsealed, made public, and the defendants named are arrested and arraigned. There are many hearings and conferences before taking a plea and all this process can take a long time. From the time of the initial arrest to the time you take your plea can take years and defendants will either spend this time in a federal detention center, or some of the “lucky” ones get out on what is called pretrial supervision. I put lucky in quotes because it does not always feel so lucky. It is not exactly freedom and the fears and uncertainty of the situation can be rather crippling, and it can feel like your mind is the labyrinth of hell during this time. If your loved one is on federal pretrial release, they need more support now than ever. On pretrial, some people are on ankle monitors and on a home confinement situation, while others just must check in with a probation officer and call “code a phone” daily. Code a phone is a number you call when on supervision. You call and

AS AN INMATE, WE ARE JUST THE FLESH OF THE INVENTORY IN THE WAREHOUSE FOR HUMANS In the midst of this pandemic I think I have done a decent job of keeping my cool, until recently. I admit it, fear has got the best of me. All the progress I swore I had made with my anxiety, might as well have been a big lie. I shall refer to my new found condition as Pandemic Paranoia, and I must admit I was not even aware of it. In a conversation with a loved one, I was asked what exactly I was afraid of. It was a really good question, one that I had not considered or really broke down for some reason. For a moment, I began to think maybe I was overreacting. We finished our conversation but the wheels in my head we’re already turning because this new awareness had come upon me. I started to analyze my new found anxiety brought on by this pandemic and decided to sit down and write it all out. That is what I do when I need something sorted out in my brain, I write like a maniac as I sort out

Traveling to prison was quite the adventure, and a trip I will never forget. It was a long day but I took the time to really think about what I wanted and needed to get out of this experience. On the way, I made a deal with myself. Instead of jumping in and making friends with everyone and anyone, I decided I was going to stay to myself, sit back, and watch people before I chose who I would associate with or what activities to join. After being federally indicted, I spent countless hours going through my discovery that was full of statements made by people that were close to me and many from people that didn’t even know me. Some of the things they said broke my heart, some embarrassed me, and some blew my mind because complete strangers were more than happy to tell whatever stories they had heard from the grapevine. Its hard to hear ugly things about yourself. I learned the hard way that all the words and conversations you can have with a person simply wont tell you what you need to see and know about someone. Words will never paint a true picture of

For me, coming to prison and committing to really making some deep changes in my life means death to self. Death to the person I was before the indictment. Death to treating myself with kid gloves because I think I should tiptoe around my anxiety instead of diving in to explore the true causes and underlying issues. Death to any kind of double life or hiding anything. Death to shame of mistakes. Death to explaining myself. It is time to accept myself and really accept me for me. It is time to finally appreciate life and celebrate it. It is time to let go of unspoken questions about why things happened to me. It is time to live each day in the present. Right here and now is when I will embrace my life and learn to live each moment noticing the miracles. I have decided that the journey to accepting myself looks more like a scavenger hunt some days and that is ok. I am constantly searching for clues for what works and what helps me. Here are 4 ways I have learned to accept myself. 1. I HAVE TO TELL MY STORY In prison, there is safety in

Here’s to God and Tamiko Grandison, I cannot thank you enough for the front row seat to watch this amazing miracle unfold. You are the believer, and I was the doubter, but when God shows up its impossible to doubt anymore. To tell this story I must back up a bit… I turned myself into the marshals and began my time on my prison sentence in 2017. During my year in federal holding awaiting sentencing, I found God, got saved, and worked hard praying through my past and working through trauma that only God could help me through. I was blessed to have a cool chaplain that worked at CCA. I shared a lot of my story with him, and he would bring books, kind words, and a lot of prayers to help me through each issue I was working through: Every time I summoned him for prayer, he would come. I love food and when you are incarcerated in a high security facility your meals are sometimes the only thing you must look forward to. It did not take long into my journey as a Christian that I felt led to fast and I was shocked how powerful it

My Darling Daughter, Although your care givers have once again cruelly cut you off from communicating with your loved ones, they cannot shut down my blog… So, I wanted to just remind you how much I love you and that you have grandparents, an aunt and uncle, and plenty of cousins that are all here loving you from a distance. We all love you unconditionally for exactly who you are. We are all so proud of the young lady you have become and although you cannot hear us cheering, we are all die-hard fans for you and your success. In all the writing that I do, so much of it is with you in mind. I know you realize I drop Easter eggs saying things that only you would get. When you were born, I was overwhelmed with my love for you. The world stood still and the only breath that mattered was yours. That stands true today. So instead of dropping hints, dying to communicate with you, I decided to just write to you and publish it so I know it cannot be kept from you, or thrown away like the rest of the letters I write and send to

For me, coming to prison and committing to really making some deep changes in my life means death to self. Death to the person I was before the indictment. Death to treating myself with kid gloves because I think I should tiptoe around my anxiety instead of diving in to explore the true causes and underlying issues. Death to any kind of double life or hiding anything. Death to shame of mistakes. Death to explaining myself. It is time to accept myself and really accept me for me. It is time to finally appreciate life and celebrate it. It is time to let go of unspoken questions about why things happened to me. It is time to live each day in the present. Right here and now is when I will embrace my life and learn to live each moment noticing the miracles. I have decided that the journey to accepting myself looks more like a scavenger hunt some days and that is ok. I am constantly searching for clues for what works and what helps me. Here are 4 ways I have learned to accept myself. 1. I HAVE TO TELL MY STORY In prison, there is safety in