HOW PRISON AND COVID 19 HELPED ME FIND MY RESILIENCE AND STRENGTH IN THE MIDST OF THE COVID PANDEMIC
Inmates don’t have access to the internet for ideas or to view influencers that might provide helpful tips. Whatever equipment a federal prison has is all they are ever going to get when it comes to weights and any kind of training. This is all thanks to congressman Dick Zimmer and the act from 1995 that banned weightlifting equipment among many other things, super old equipment is grandfathered in but will never be replaced.
I remember when I first got here and felt horribly disappointed to walk into this huge gym with hardly anything in it and then to walk outside to see the very uneven, rough quarter mile track to work with. I turned that disappointment into inspiration and drive. It sure was better than the federal holding I had been at for a year and I was going to be grateful and make the best of it by searching for opportunities. To me, having less has been a hidden blessing because it has forced me to get creative and focus on exercises that depend only on my body. One of those exercises is jogging and it was once a huge part of my life long ago. This prison experience has resurrected my love of jogging which has helped me find my inner strength and resilience and has rewarded me greatly. Prison does not have to be the place where dreams come to die if you do not treat it as such. Here is my story and 5 things that helped me make jogging a part of my life again.
Before the calendar flipped to this crazy year, I decided I was going to be a runner again. Well, at least a jogger. I am not a happy treadmill runner. Especially here because we are just looking at a brick wall. I have always loved being outside, but it is not like I can just go jog around the little compound here or anywhere else, the track and treadmills are the only option. I had to make peace with going in circles and staring at the brick wall. Years ago, I was in love with running/jogging and I remember feeling the most together when I was doing it. There is just something about synching myself with my breath and finding my rhythm that seems to put my mind and body together. When I come together with myself, my life follows suit. I remember how that felt and I made the commitment to making it happen once again.
When I first got here, I tried jogging, but it had been so long, and I was out of shape and it hurt so bad it was hard to power through. I also had the crutch of the gym and would excuse myself from the track to do something inside. I quickly became a fitness instructor and filled all my extra time in the evenings and weekends teaching classes and supporting other instructors by taking their classes. I work a full-time job in the warehouse all day but no matter how much work I would endure during the day, I could not wait to teach my class at night. Watching people push themselves and do things they never thought they could be one of my favorite things. I teach all kinds of classes including step, cross fit, and HIIT (high intensity interval training) each week. So, when I decided to commit to really becoming a jogger again, I had to get creative on how I would fit this into my schedule full of so many commitments.
I made a little plan that centered around this theory I had. I believed that during the time that had lapsed since I had last run long ago, I had picked up some bad habits that affected my form and impeded my progress and ability. I read some books about running and I was convinced my form and the way my feet were landing was my problem and that was what was causing so much pain.
So, I decided I was going to take this really slow and I was going to completely retrain my body and the way I moved. This became my “jogging project.” For 20 minutes before each class that I taught, I would hop on the treadmill to practice my new obsession. I would jog every other minute and hyper focus on my form and my landing. I would slowly jog, carefully and deliberately placing my feet where they needed to go.
Naturally, I walk hard, and I run like I am getting bonus points for pounding the ground as hard as possible, and of course that is not conducive to a 43-year-old successfully making this running thing happen. I had decided to make some big changes and land toward the front of my foot and bounce barely having any impact on my heel and make my very own shock absorber. It felt as awkward as a right-handed person trying to learn to write with the left, I just felt like how a fish must feel out of water. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, but I was not giving up.
In the beginning, as much as I thought I was in good shape from all the workouts I did, every minute of jogging was frustrating and got to be a bit painful for both my mind and body. It was such a battle because it is just not my nature to be careful and soft, but it was a great lesson and brought new meaning to connecting my mind and body. It is hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but the way I saw it, this dog was at the pound and it is a great time to find a new way for everything I do.
I had read about visualizing what you wanted to do and at night when I would get quiet before bed I would see myself the way I wanted to run and visualize myself being able to go faster and efficiently. In the minute when I walked, I would focus and visualize how I would run for the next minute. It was amazing how well this worked. I was shocked at how much better I felt and how my body was accepting this new venture.
I had only told a few people what I was doing, and we have no mirrors in our gym so you cannot look at what you are doing, which can be rather challenging and secretly a blessing when you are super critical. About a month into this project, I was teaching a class and had everyone sprinting and realized my work had paid off. I instinctively ran the way I had been training myself and it felt quite natural. I had made myself a new habit, but it took someone pointing it out before I even recognized it.
Then one day, sometime in the beginning of either February or March of 2020, I had been trotting along on my beloved treadmill, 45 minutes into my run without any intentions of quitting and in walks the administration man. My heart sank, I knew this was bad news, the Covid had come to town and they were closing the gym. I wanted to chain myself to the treadmill or take it back to the dorm with me. I offered to just live in the gym in my own little quarantine but that was clearly not going to happen. The only thing left to do was head to the dreaded track.
Running outside on the track was where my goal was anyway and I had actually prayed about making this happen, so off I went. I had gotten so comfortable on that treadmill that I let it become a crutch and I decided that this new change and challenge was going to be good for me. Not only was the gym closed and I was kicked off my treadmill, but I was relieved from any of my prior commitments to teaching fitness classes and helping others, and now I had the time to dedicate to myself and put some more time into my new found love. It was time to run outside like a big girl.
The first lap on the uneven, rocky track and I looked at the soft grass next to the track and decided that would be my lane. I figured soccer players spent their time running in the grass and who knows maybe one day I would want to play soccer. All I knew was getting off the huge rocks couldn’t hurt so I pulled off the track and into the grass.
The grass was deep, and I felt like it held me back a bit, but I was willing to make the trade for the softer ground. I just took it slow and worked diligently to sync my breath and body and find that rhythm and it felt great. It was like that perfect cocktail of endorphins that happen when you realize you are rising above something, like you had hoped you would, and doing what you set out to do. It is exciting and inspiring to feel the progress. I remember thinking this was my jam and in my typical fashion I started to daydream about running a marathon that morphed quickly into an iron man. I would go out to that track and make some big plans.
Then one day we had an early yard recall, we thought maybe it was a storm coming, but instead, we found we were locked down indefinitely due to Covid 19. At this prison camp we had free movement and only had to come inside for 2 counts on the weekend and the 4 pm count during the week. Taking this freedom, I took my breath right along with it.
I was pretty sure I was going to lose my mind and I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry. All that work and these dreams I had conjured up that were circling in my head were about to push me off the edge. I was pacing like a caged animal and then I decided to focus on what I could do and what I could control. So, I grabbed my yoga mat and 4-pound yoga balls, and I decided to make this lockdown my own challenge. I was determined not to allow anything to take my joy or my progress. I decided to do challenging workouts and moves that I thought were horrible and become very good at them. I picked a full burpee with a pushup to focus on and get good at it.
I focused on form and doing it right and sprinkled the burpees into other workouts. I got up to doing 300 to 500 a day and my workouts became more saturated with that move. That burpee project kept my mind and body working together and kept me focusing on my breath and pushing myself further every day. While every night I spent time watching myself run in my mind. I would focus on every stride and every action of my body as if it were happening. I eventually had to move this to the beginning of my day because I got a little too excited and was struggling to fall asleep. I was relentless in constantly challenging myself no matter what was going on throughout this lockdown.
Months went by and finally one day we caught a break and got to go outside to the track. It was glorious. Of course, after months of not actually running I did not expect big things, but I shocked myself that I was still able to pick jogging easier than I thought. Our outside time started with only 1 hour a day 2 days a week, which was probably a blessing because I would have probably hurt myself acting like a maniac. I just stayed steady for the duration of the hour and would start by jogging a lap and then walking the next. Each hour we had outside I pushed a little further, one lap of jogging turned into two and the next thing I knew I was back to running miles again.
I honestly cannot remember how long that schedule went on but eventually we got a little more time out and now I have about 12 hours out a week. It is quite profound what happens in my head when my freedom and fresh air gets restricted and my time outside is only allocated in small segments. I realized that last week alone I ran 42 miles and I have to wonder if I would have accomplished that if I had not been kicked out of the gym and if the corona had not come to town to carve out specific times to jog. It is like this time crunch has become a brain teaser that has helped my production for the amount of jogging I do.
I will never completely comprehend the huge restriction on our being outside, but that is ok. The Covid may have just helped me to get better at jogging and strengthened my mind. I choose to look at this year as a blessing and I am grateful for the outside time, fresh air, and to be jogging once again. Hopefully, my words and story will inspire someone else. So if you have a loved one incarcerated, or if you yourself are on your way, go ahead and set those goals and make yourself a little bucket list to accomplish, here are 5 things that helped me to accomplish this goal.
Here are 5 helpful tips:
1. DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE IS DOING, RUN YOUR OWN RACE AND PACE.
Some people want a running buddy to hold them accountable and pull them through. If that works well for you, then great. For me, I find that one person may find excuses and will pull the other person down. Or maybe your schedules conflict and you find yourself missing days and opportunities because you have become codependent on someone. When you come to prison, you come in alone and you will be leaving alone, so it is important to work on your codependency issues right here and now. Do this for yourself. Set your goals and make it happen and then bring your friends with you.
As for really learning to run, you must find your own pace and rhythm and I find that hard to do when you are trying to keep up or wait for someone. I take it as far as putting on sunglasses and running in the opposite direction as everyone else. I find it easier to not care about what anyone else is doing when I am going my very own way. When I first started, I would see people walking and then I would want to walk. Or I would see people up ahead of me and I would think oh I will catch up, only to have them stop and then my rhythm would be off. I still start off focusing on me and finding that rhythm for the day before joining others. I must get right with myself first.
2. BORROWING ENERGY
Some days I will be jogging along, and I find my mind begging me to stop and walk or get a drink when I know I really do not need it. There are just some days I am not feeling it. I have a little trick I do that works with a lot of things. If you are struggling, extending a helping hand to help someone else can become a superpower.
There are people here that I know have the desire to be able to jog for a distance but struggle to pull it off. These days when I have a hard time with myself, I find someone that is struggling to get around the track and swoop in to run with them. Some people feel I’m a bit of a predator, but they will go with me anyway and before they know it, they have finished that mile or two that they never dreamed they could do without stopping. I tell them to set the pace and I am just there to go with them. I do not care how long it takes as long as they do not walk. They might feel like they are going to die but they also realize they can do it. For me, these miles are so much more than just adding to my total. I love to see people accomplish their goals and I have a new energy from that person inspiring me with their excitement. I call this borrowing energy and it can be quite effective to motivate yourself and other people.
3. FINDING YOUR BREATH AND RHYTHM AND SYNCHING YOURSELF
This is so important, and it can be so hard to do. People that are just starting and have never even attempted to jog seem to panic and think the air is going to be gone forever. I know when I first started there were times I felt as though there was not enough air on the planet. I felt so out of control and I will admit that can feel scary. I just had to slow down and figure myself out. Placing your feet where you want them to land, bringing awareness to your muscles to see what and where you are engaging, and then the breath. You must breathe good quality breaths and be able to find it at all times. I convinced myself that there was plenty of air to breath and not to worry about it, if I lost it, it would not be gone forever. It took that rationale to permeate my brain and I began to settle in and really get my breathing and rhythm together.
I have a friend that thinks “tic, tok, tick tock” the entire time she runs. She creates the beat in her own head and just goes with it. I loved it when she told me that. I know some people count and I am sure there are plenty of other techniques. I come up with plans and get excited and lose count. I do not care as long as I keep going.
4. SEARCH FOR INSPIRATION AND MOTIVATION.
If your loved one is incarcerated and they have shown an interest in jogging or anything, send them articles, books, and even memes to inspire them. We have no way to go searching for anything beyond our very limited library. I got the idea of changing my form from reading a book. Little tips and ideas can help with breakthroughs and knowing your loved one’s support and are cheering you on is magical.
Be your own inspiration and find motivation by visualizing what you want to accomplish repeatedly. Not just winning something but the work that goes into it. See yourself through all the movements you need to get good at.
5. ADD UP THOSE TINY WINS
Every lap you complete without stopping or walking, every time you take a step further, the times you make yourself get out of bed to make your dreams and goals happen, those are all wins. It is important to recognize that every day you push a little further is a huge accomplishment. If you just do not quit or give up and you keep pushing to improve, then you are doing the right thing.
All these tiny wins are contributing to positive habits which will help you create your success and pave the way to where you want to go. The coronavirus forced me to have a jogging schedule. Creating blocks of time to accomplish all that I want to do has been extremely effective. I get more done with these scheduled hours than I did when I had all day. So, if all you have is 30 min, great! Make it the best 30 minutes you can and do not waste even a second.
No matter where you are in life it’s easy to feel sorry for yourself and feel like it is the end when things go wrong. This is especially true in prison, but it does not have to be that way. For me, I see prison as a rare opportunity to be away from all the distractions and commitments we tend to make. The phone will never be ringing, and you will never know you have an email until you walk yourself to the computer room and check to see. All you have is time, but that is a precious commodity and I encourage you not to waste a second of it.
If you have a loved one in prison, encourage them to make a bucket list and find a purpose for this journey. For me jogging is on my bucket list, but it is so much more than just the movement itself. It represents regaining my confidence, synching my mind and body, and learning how resilient I have been all along. As much as I loathe the Covid, I am happy I was able to turn all the negative aspects of this year into opportunity and I hope to turn my jogging into running, and turn that into even bigger goals.
