As I sit here in federal prison, I cannot help but look back over the years at pivotal moments that changed the trajectory of my life. I love the people in my life, I have completely fallen in love with my journey, and I’m proud of how far I have come. I may be an inmate but I am happy with the person that I have become. However, there are things I wish I could go back and say to myself along the way. The law school version of myself is the person I wish I could reach out to the most. Here is a quick back story and four topics of advice I would like to share with that version of myself.
I spent the first years of my life wanting to be a lawyer. I remember being a really small child and I just knew that is what I wanted to do. Why? Well that is easy, my dad is my hero and he is a lawyer. I would take his huge law books and drag them around even before I could read. When other kids wanted to play games, I wanted to play court. When I ran out of kids to play with, I used my teddy bears.
Throughout my younger years, I look back and realize I approached most anything without even a possibility of failure. I showed horses for years and worked tirelessly with them for upcoming shows. I never minded putting in the work to make something happen, in fact, I enjoyed it. I used my passion to overcome any pain or injury and I never had a problem rising above it if I did not win.
High school was easy for me and I found it to be a pleasure to go every day. I looked forward to homework and tests, joined a lot of different clubs, played volleyball and ran cross country. I was a bit of a nerd, and I completely embraced it.
I never was afraid because I didn’t stop to even notice fear. Nor did I contemplate failure as a possibility, it was like a foreign language that I knew nothing about. No one ever had to tell me that I had to go to college or it was expected of me, it seems that I was born with that concept already instilled in my brain, that was just the way it was going to go. That ship had set sail and there was no looking back and college proved to have a few bumps in the road, but nothing significant to see as a threat, so I sailed right through.
Up next, was law school. I prepped and took the LSAT while finishing up my bachelor’s degree. I did well and got into the school I wanted. I expected smooth sailing ahead.
The first semester of law school was really overwhelming and for the first time in my life I was extremely intimidated. I found myself struggling with the littlest things and afraid to ask for help. That is a lie, I was too proud to ask for help. I started to lose my confidence and it was a slippery slope that just would not quit. This was a completely new territory of uncertainty, and although I had more resources than the average person, I just did not reach out and grab one of the life preservers that was all around me. I was too hard headed, and I did not want to admit I was sinking. When doubt and fear crept in and took over, all I could see was obstacles and unfortunately that clouded my vision and I missed significant opportunities.
Fear and anxiety were dominating my entire existence by second semester, and I was a mess. I was not sleeping, having anxiety, and experiencing panic attacks that were crippling me. Fear had hijacked my mind and it was taking me down. I remember walking up to the building before my finals for the second semester. I was looking up at the sky and wondering if I was doing the wrong thing and if I was in the wrong place. It is funny when you are looking for something or any kind of reason, you will find it. The next thing I knew a bird flew directly into the building right before my eyes and then dropped dead at my feet. I took it as a sign, and I decided it was time to quit. Then again, that is exactly what I was looking for.
This was a pivotal moment in my life, and I allowed myself to set the stage to lower the bar for myself. I became a runner, I let my mind think it was ok to take the easy way out. When I came to some bumps in the road, I gave up my lifelong dream way too easily and I regret allowing myself to be ok with that. I deeply regret not pushing through and my biggest regret was not asking for help.
By contemplating my regret, I realize there are some things I would like to tell that terrified law school version of myself. By writing these things, I am healing myself and, in the process, hopefully reaching someone that needs to hear what I have to say.
1. Fight like hell for what you want and open your mind to being ok with things not always looking like you thought they would.
I would encourage you to go for whatever it is you want, give what you are doing everything you have, and fight for your dreams. I wanted to be a lawyer, and I should have made it happen. Do not be afraid of failure because even if you do fail, you can get right back up. You will still be breathing, and it is not the end of the world.
Consume yourself with seeking opportunities and do not concern yourself with the mistakes you are going to make. We all make mistakes, you will too, and that is ok. The only thing you truly have control over is whether you quit or try. Do not allow quitting to be an option and only go to failure. When you want something, fight for it.
It is important to get it through your head that fear and danger are two very different things. Just because you are scared, does not mean you have to run. Getting knocked down is the perfect time to find your humility and while you are there, go ahead and purge whatever secrets you are concerned with people finding out about you. Live a transparent life and be as humble and as human as you can be and turn your mistakes and your secrets into your armor. This minimizes your insecurities and can turn your pain into your power. When you have nothing to hide, you are free to seek your passion and fall in love with the journey.
If you find yourself sinking, look up. Find God and focus on him. Do not worry about what is happening on your left or right, only run your own race, and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. As tiny as your steps might be, they are moving you in the right direction when you focus in the correct direction.
Whatever you do, do not look for the easy way out. I quit law school and went on to have a great career that I ended up quitting too soon as well. I believe all those years ago I allowed myself to set an unhealthy precedent and allowed myself to think it was acceptable to jump ship when things got hard. It took me coming to prison to find the resilience and courage I lost long ago.
2. SET YOUR INTENTIONS AND LIVE WITH PURPOSE
Living with purpose means you need to get to know yourself well. It is important to learn your weaknesses, strengths, and tendencies so you know how you tick. When you set your intentions with these things in mind you can be on the lookout for triggers and things you might stumble over. Instead of reacting to people or events, be proactive and ready for whatever might come your way. When you set your intentions, you set your mind and then you just must stay the course.
In graduate school you are so close to where you see yourself going but the space between where you are and where you want to go can be an abyss of confusion. You have come all this way on your journey and your promised land is just over there. You can see it. You can smell it. You are so close you can actually feel how it is going to feel and that terrifies you. I walked through my life 10-foot-tall and bulletproof with no fear. As my journey came near my destination, I started to notice the chinks in my armor. My superpower was always my confidence and as I started to realize I was not as smart as I thought I was, it took me down. That land of confusion is a big grey area that you will have to navigate and this is where you have to dig deep and make sure your actions line up with your intentions and you are headed where you want to go. This is a danger zone and fear is just waiting to derail you right here. Do not allow this to happen.
Focusing on your habits helps you to live in line with your intentions. We do not just go through life aimlessly, as humans we are creatures of habit whether you realize it or not. Everything we do is initiated by our core habits and learning to be a good steward of those habits will dictate your destiny. Pay attention to your day to day decisions and actions and decide which of your habits are healthy or unhealthy. Then plan to weed out the bad and nourish the good.
Writing and journaling all these things can create a roadmap and a user manual that can be quite helpful. Identifying intentions, habits, and feelings can tell you a lot about you and the things you are going through. Don’t go through life flailing around. Bringing your awareness to all the details of yourself because it is extremely helpful. Find your feelings and let yourself feel them. There is a Jewish proverb, “What soup is for the body,
tears are for the soul.” You must feel before you heal and there is no way around it.
3. BE CAREFUL WHO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH
If you are the smartest person in the room, you might just be in the wrong place. It is so important to surround yourself with people you admire and can learn from and never stop seeking wisdom and truth. Who we watch is who we become, so pay attention to who you are looking at and paying attention to.
If you look at the people that make up your circle, and they all look like you and think the same things, you might be limiting your vision. A lot of addicts will surround themselves with other addicts because it’s comfortable and when everyone is accepting of your behavior there is no reason to quit. These people will make this lifestyle even more comfortable and make you believe it is acceptable. This goes for anyone setting a low standard for themselves and surrounding themselves with people that will allow anything less than excellence. This is the danger zone, not the comfort zone and it is time to make some changes to surround yourself with people who push you to grow and think.
My perception is my reality and it may be totally different than yours. I feel that it is important to look beyond what we think we know and surround yourself with people with different perspectives and opinions. This can be uncomfortable, but we must refrain from being frustrated and offended by someone else’s reality. None of us have all the answers but when we work together, and truly come together, amazing things will happen.
Sometimes the knowledge we have gained throughout the journey of our lives can often be the biggest blinder to someone else’s truth.
My experiences and feelings are not yours, and yours are not mine. This will make us different. Not right or wrong, just different. If God wanted us all to be the same, He would have made us that way. So, bring your differences, your conflicting views, and the life experiences that shape who you are and the beliefs you have and come together for the greater good. This is where real growth happens, so do not miss the magic and open your eyes, heart, and mind.
In conclusion, regret is a human curse so do not be the person that misses your moment. Dig deep and find your courage and never let an opportunity pass you by because you get too scared. Whether you know it or not you are surrounded by blessings and are a blessing yourself, use those blessings to bless others. For me, not finishing law school was a turning point in my life, one that I do regret. However, life is not over. If I get to do it all over again, I will set the bar much higher this time. I know now that getting great at something takes time, practice, and repetition. I will seek out to truly speak the language of whatever it is that I choose to do and give it my all because failure will never be a concern for me. I know that whatever I do, I devote my passion to anything I do. The cool thing about life is we get to keep trying until it is over, as long as you do not give up.
